I'm not exactly sure where to start. My blog is titled Lynn's Life, but I don't always write about all aspects of my life. I normally try to keep things kind of light and fun on my blog but my life is not always that way! Is anybody's? But sometimes I feel like leaving the bad out is not being truthful and you don't see who I really am. But does anyone really want to read it? And what I'm most worried about is will people just think I'm being whiney and not like me for it? I'm not talking nitty gritty details, some things should just be kept private.
Things aren't always peaches and cream. Especially over the past few years. Seems the older I get the worse I get. I think turning 40 made it worse, I was really bothered by the whole "I'm 40 already and what have I done with my life?" thing. I'm depressed more often, more critical and judgemental of my family, more uptight about everything and things are bothering me that never even phased me before. I'm not liking it and of course neither is my family but I'm having a hard time overcoming it.
I had a bad day (or two) over the weekend of the 4th. I won't go into details because like I said some things should just be kept private plus I don't want to bore you and as I think back on it most of it is pretty trivial though at the time it seemed monumental to me. The way I'm becoming is starting to scare me and freak me out more and more.
I don't think I've ever mentioned it here but yes, I've had some therapy for it. A few years ago. And I was getting better. Then my therapist had to move away and at the time we both agreed I was good and didn't need to move on to another therapist, that I was better and could handle things on my own. Now I'm wondering again if that's possible.
I kind of had a revelation the other day too after my melt down or whatever I should call it. I seem to be "turning into" my grandmother. Now don't get me wrong I loved and adored my grandmother. I still miss her everyday. But she could be very negative and critical of us all. I don't remember that so much as a child but as I got older I started to notice it. I don't know if she was always that way and it was just my maturing that noticed it or if she was just getting more critical with age. Everything we did or said seemed to be fair game for her.
I feel like that is what's happening with me and I don't like it. I don't want to get to the point where my family cringes when I'm around. I don't want them to remember me that way when I'm gone. I'm not liking what I'm becoming but I'm having a hard time changing. I suppose recognizing that it's happening is the first step.
Sorry for being such a downer on this one. I think I just needed to vent it. Maybe that's wrong and I don't need the whole world.....or the few of you that read my blog knowing all this. But then again maybe it's a good thing knowing that everyone doesn't think that my life is all hunky dory.
Or maybe I'll find someone who can relate or offer some suggestions......anyone?