Monday, July 12, 2010

My life

I'm not exactly sure where to start.  My blog is titled Lynn's Life, but I don't always write about all aspects of my life.  I normally try to keep things kind of light and fun on my blog but my life is not always that way!  Is anybody's?  But sometimes I feel like leaving the bad out is not being truthful and you don't see who I really am.  But does anyone really want to read it?  And what I'm most worried about is will people just think I'm being whiney and not like me for it?  I'm not talking nitty gritty details, some things should just be kept private. 

Things aren't always peaches and cream.  Especially over the past few years.  Seems the older I get the worse I get.  I think turning 40 made it worse, I was really bothered by the whole "I'm 40 already and what have I done with my life?" thing.  I'm depressed more often, more critical and judgemental of my family, more uptight about everything and things are bothering me that never even phased me before.  I'm not liking it and of course neither is my family but I'm having a hard time overcoming it. 

I had a bad day (or two) over the weekend of the 4th.  I won't go into details because like I said some things should just be kept private plus I don't want to bore you and as I think back on it most of it is pretty trivial though at the time it seemed monumental to me.  The way I'm becoming is starting to scare me and freak me out more and more. 

I don't think I've ever mentioned it here but yes, I've had some therapy for it.  A few years ago.  And I was getting better.  Then my therapist had to move away and at the time we both agreed I was good and didn't need to move on to another therapist, that I was better and could handle things on my own.  Now I'm wondering again if that's possible.

I kind of had a revelation the other day too after my melt down or whatever I should call it.  I seem to be "turning into" my grandmother.  Now don't get me wrong I loved and adored my grandmother.  I still miss her everyday.  But she could be very negative and critical of us all.  I don't remember that so much as a child but as I got older I started to notice it.  I don't know if she was always that way and it was just my maturing that noticed it or if she was just getting more critical with age.  Everything we did or said seemed to be fair game for her.

I feel like that is what's happening with me and I don't like it.  I don't want to get to the point where my family cringes when I'm around.  I don't want them to remember me that way when I'm gone.  I'm not liking what I'm becoming but I'm having a hard time changing.  I suppose recognizing that it's happening is the first step. 

Sorry for being such a downer on this one.  I think I just needed to vent it.  Maybe that's wrong and I don't need the whole world.....or the few of you that read my blog knowing all this.  But then again maybe it's a good thing knowing that everyone doesn't think that my life is all hunky dory. 

Or maybe I'll find someone who can relate or offer some suggestions......anyone? 


Amy said...

OH dear! You and I have got to be long lost sisters....or cousins! I am truly beginning to think that we are just normal, because I hear this from more and more people all the time.

I once saw a therapist also, and I don't think it really helped me much. First of all, he only verified what I believed all along and secondly, he was a man, so I got negative vibes from him haha! Not to mention he was gouging my eyes out.

Honestly, I am really trying to heal myself. Trying to be a less negative person and look at the brighter side of things.

Like they say, the first step to fixing the problem is admitting you have one, so there you go.

Never hesitate to 'share' on your blog. It's almost like therapy and feels good to get a release sometimes. No matter the worry, it will always work itself out the way it was intended, and I wish you the best, my friend. I am right along side you, if even hundreds (or thousands?) of miles away, just know that there is someone out there that feels just like you....or maybe even worse.

Things will look up sooner or later and when it does, we will all be wondering what we were so worried about! :)

Nicole said...

... whatever is TRUE, whatever is NOBLE, whatever is RIGHT, what is PURE, whatever is LOVELY, whatever is ADMIRABLE, if anything is EXCELLENT or PRAISEWORTHY, think about such things. ~ Philipians 4:8.

Lynn, I have gone through this and find myself there often. My mom is a Negative Nellie and I hate that and don't want to be that way!

I, literally, wrote that Bible verse on index cards and posted it in plain view in all of the places where I tend to "think" ... on my car dash, on my bathroom mirror, in the kitchen. I would read it several, several times a day reminding myself to focus my thoughts on the good in life and people, not the bad.

I am proud of you for posting this. There is nothing wrong with therapy, or medication, whatever you need to feel WHOLE. Sometimes we all need just a little help.

Sometimes we just need a friend.

I'll be praying for you. If you need to vent .. e-mail me. I'm here!!!!


Aim said...

I understand the holding back thing. You know I did that for months on my blog. Some stuff you just don't want to put out there. I get that. I'm glad you finally shared...even just a little. I don't have any answers for you but I am here for you, call, text or email anytime.